So far away.
I'm so far away from my savior.
And the truth is, I'm the one that walked away after shutting the door. I can't feel him with me, but I know that he is waiting for me to turn this around.
I've done so much against his will lately. I don't even really know where the anger and defiance is, because the things I've done do not bring me happiness, not even a little.
I was a manager, but I can't keep my own life in control, so it was near impossible for me to manage a team with all their individual issues. So I gave that up and asked to be just a programmer. Though I couldn't tell my wife I'd done that, so I lied and told her that my boss had decided to manage everyone. I hate the lie, but she wouldn't understand that I'm actually taking care of us better this way. I don't fail as a programmer, but I do fail as a manager.
You would think that I feel free, but instead of that I feel numb, ambivilant. It is just another failure. But I do know that being a leader is not God's will. That much is clear, so with that I will have to be content.
Do you know this man? He is far from unique and painfully aware of that fact. Two point five kids plus one point 5, a white picket fence made of chain links in the suburbs where his windows have been shot out.
Despite the fact that he is living where he really doesn't fit in, no one really bothers him directly. Often he can be seen working on his yard, but it always looks messy and unkempt. When it snows he doesn't use a snow blower and is out in the yard at 4am with the snow shovel and a very long driveway.
As the neighbor wake up and pass by, he smiles and waves and at times when you talk to him he talks back. Seemingly friendly, but when he thinks no one is watching, he lets th smile fade and the look in his eyes becomes hard. What the neighbors don't really know is that he is out in the negative temperatures for nearly two hours shoveling snow and scraping off the cars because he would rather freeze to death than be back in the house with his wife.
On the way to work he is somewhat reckless when there are no other cars around, because he really doesn't want to make it to his destination only to have to return. The snow covered roads provide a convenient excuse to be alone for a while while he waits on a tow truck. Or perhaps the ultimate story line would be to end up in the icy river unable to get out.
However he does believe in Jesus, so he never takes any of it that far. And his little daughters would only die inside if he died outside. They see the struggle in his efforts to stand strong for them and is unable to hide the pain from them. They are compassionate to a fault at times, sacrificing their happiness just to take a car ride with him and talk about life.
He never fails to tell them how proud he is of the kind compassionate young women they've become, but they know that hidden in the la
He is a man of many failures and one day the neighbors and the daughters will see him for the ineffectual coward that his wife has learned to hate.
I'm back, but you aren't. I guess I'm a little dissapointed, even though I knew you wouldn't be here.
I was here for three and a half years. I left because I thought I had my life together.
I WAS WRONG.
And so I'm back.
Previous PostsDecisions and Lies, posted February 12th, 2014
Getting to Know Him, posted February 5th, 2014
But You're Not, posted February 4th, 2014, 1 comment
This is where I live, posted February 4th, 2014
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