esohgee's Blog

Never think you are the only one like you. If this song was any more me I'd swear I wrote it.

There is no scream I can loose to free me from this frustration. 
There are no walls I can punch that will release me from this place.
There is no one I can turn toward to help me forget.

In the depths of this despair I yet stand.
In the onslaught of harsh words I withhold.
In the eye of the storm I know there is more to come.

For you my daughter, all for you.
You are the kindness that sustains my strength.
You are the love that gives me hope.




Yes sweetie this is all for you. How you grew up in this selfish place to be the kind generous young woman you are I will never understand. 

"I love you daddy." "I love you so very much little daughter."
"You just needed a hug, I could tell." "I always need a hug from you."
"Hope you had a good day at work." "Yes, my little daughter I did, and even if I didn't, that wouldn't matter now."

Living my life by default.
Waiting for the end.

Whatsoever you've done for the least among us, you've done for me.
And I've done nothing.

I am nothing
and coming to terms with it.

Don't look at me like that.
You've always known I desire an end to this.

You also know
That I will not raise my hand to it

My work required me to take a personality test. Well it is more than that. While in a meeting to figure out how to integrate the results for the company, they brought up mine. None of this is private. I'm sure you could refuse to take the test, but I couldn't see a reason to do it.

The thing was scary accurate about me. The two guys running the test looked at mine and said, "WHOA! I've never seen a stress line that long." Then they laughed a bit. I found it funny too to be honest and it didn't embarrass me. I wasn't surprised by the results,  nor was my boss. But I could tell it worried him to actually see them. I'm pretty sure he knows. 

Yep there are a lot of pressures acting on me to try to change me. That is the stress. No I can't really reduce it. 

Work, God, Wife all want something out of me that I struggle with becoming. Work I can manage or find a new job. Not the end of the world. God is showing me what I want to become. Wife on the other hand doesn't like who I was, am or am trying to be. 

It's too late. I'll never trust her. Forgive her? Yes, but not trust.
All because I do not know when her fear of my disapproval will be overcome by her anger and weak self control.

I put too much mayo on the Monte Cristo's. Not on purpose, just, well because I'm not a chef. She then threatened not to finish Easter dinner. And told me the only reason she would do finish it was because she didn't want me to throw it back at her later.

WHAT? of course we'll discuss it when she is calmed down. She is behaving in a totally self centered manner. And again has ruined a holiday. yeah, the food wasn't perfect for her (she doesn't like mayo), but tat doesn't mean you ruin it for everyone else. That is what a spoiled immature brat does, not a grown adult.

I ignored her and kept working on the deviled egg pealing. My youngest decided to help which moderated her behavior. Though she didn't like it when I told my daughter that having a positive attitude makes the work go much faster.

Keep in mind this was my eldest daughter's birthday. And my wife refused to take her to the place she wanted to go for dinner because of her anger at me. So my daughter got nasty carry out Chinese. She is such a gentile soul and didn't say a word, but I feel terrible for her.

Ah, yeah, um I was wrong. I said I didn't have nightmares where I feel fear. To some extent this is still true. The death horror kind of nightmare do not scare me. For a while it was nice that I could sort of feel some fear, feel something, but then it just became like any other dream. 

Well somehow my sub conscience figured out how to make me feel fear, but it is the fear I feel normally. I believed that it would never invade my dream world, but oh I was wrong.

I have nightmares. I have them about the government comming to take my house because my wife paid our taxes late. About my work and finding huge bad bugs in programs, then what follows with my boss. Yeah, and that one came true. About my daughters being taken from me. About my wife finding my dream world and looking through my mind.

These aren't normal night mares, but I wake up with full on fear and since it is the fear I feel in my daily life, it isn't a welcome change.

This has to signal a change of some sort in my life, in my mind, but what does it mean for me? I'm not sure I want to find out. Take me back to the tornados and terminators and H. R. Giger aliens please.  

"I'm not going to buy a cat just because she is cutting!"

Yeah, so we were in the book store, won't say what one cause I'm not an advertisement. I'd gone to the computer book section to be disappointed yet again by the lack of creative theory programming books. Most of them on the shelf are out of date anyway. I'm thinking "Just get your crap on line dude." When my wife walks up to me and asks me if I'm done. "Nope." Had some time I wanted to waste .

Then out of nowhere she starts smiling and I hear someone going "beep...beep...beep" like they are a truck backing up. And it keeps happening in all the aisles around me. My wife is nearly rolling on the floor trying not laugh at the guy. He was a stock boy, but probably about 50 and challenged. As he was driving the cart around he would "beep...beep...beep." Smiling all the while. 

I couldn't help to smile even though I don't tend to get that mirthful over things like that. Midgets, monkeys, but not generally at mentally challenged individuals. He was happy so one couldn't help but be happy. 

'meh some times I wonder if having brains is more of a curse. And I thought..."which one of us really has a better life?"

I was set up to fail, but that hasn't stopped me before. So when the project came up I took the challenge. I like the underdog.

Well a year later and I'm the beaten dog in the corner snarling. They demoted me.

Oh well the stress was killing me and took me away from my daughters. 

Here is to being less than I was.

Oh, and since I'm not allowed to work remotely, I can't tell my wife I'm working and be on here, so I won't probably be on as much. 

I'd asked for it to all fall down...

I just need to tell everyone I've hurt that I'm sorry. One at a time in person. 
First you my lovely friend and first girl friend.
Then the crush I never could confess my love too.
Then to the one that fell for me and I didn't notice.
And then to all my friends that I pushed away because she didn't like them.
Then to my family for having to withdraw from them to focus on my wife.
Then to my kids because I couldn't be the man a father should be.

Will I know peace then?
Will this guilt evaporate like mist in the sun?
When will I be free of the self recrimination?

You wouldn't know it, but I look at my future and see nothing but pain do be endured. Disrespectful hate filled wife and a job I've grown to like less and less over they years. But that isn't why I'm here today, it is only background.

A younger woman I knew and worked with fairly closely was in a car accident yesterday. She and I didn't always see eye to eye and she though very little of me, but I really didn't mind. She was a loud counter balance to what the others think and was interesting. I found out she has major brain damage and may never recover it she lives through the week. 

And I caught myself being jealous. Thinking she was lucky. While I know this isn't remotely true, I can't help but feel it. I can't ever commit suicide, but to have my life taken, to have an end this useless, waste of a life that I lived by default, that would be release. 

I'm such a bastard. 

No one is better off for having known me. If you think you are, just give it time.

I've realized that I can't remember what it is like to be "in love" with a woman. I'm not saying I don't know how to feel love at all. I love my children, but that isn't what I'm talking about. 

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was in love, but it was more of an obsession. A pain and some anger. She said that she could love me and she was my first girlfriend, but she pushed me away and farther away until I wasn't a part of her life, yet I saw her nearly every day. Then I wrote her letters and tried to meet her places and be a part of her life again, but she was moving on and didn't need me any longer. What I felt wasn't love.

I loved my wife. I know it, but trying to remember the feeling is like trying to hold onto smoke or grab the wind as it passes by. There is just nothing there, 

There are men around me that would sacrifice anything for their wife. You can tell. Their wife is their best friend and the only woman they want to touch. I would like to feel like that. Is it my fault that I do not? Is it hers? Did I ever feel that way toward her? If there was a time it was so distant in the past that I just can't hold on to the memory, can't feel the emotion in it.

It is sad, but I just can't imagine feeling badly if I were to lose my wife. It would be a release and I'm starting to think that says as much about my ability to feel that kind of love as it does her controlling abuse. 

I must try to forgive her. It is demanded of me by my God, but it will have to be his strength that allows it because I do not have the strength within me.

I want to delete, but I'm torn.
It isn't that I dislike it here now. Just the opposite, but seeing all my blogs brings back memories that I would have forgotten otherwise. The good ones are few compared to the bile filled deluge of bad ones. Besides this place isn't a private as it used to be. I really don't want someone I know to stumble across this place and the me that exists here. Thought I am the same person, they don't need to know the details, it would affect my work

Nearly 40.
I let her blow our savings.
I let her keep our kids from going to college.
I let her keep them from getting braces and don't force her to take them to dentist.
I let her abuse us.

I'm a horrible father for this. And she can't even see what she has done to our possible future.
She doe see that one day I will just walk away. 
She can see it in my distance from her.
She can see it in my guarded opinions.
She can feel it every waking moment of our lives.

And she does nothing just like I do nothing. And nothing will ever get better.
I love my children, but what will I do when they are grown and gone. 
Where will I get a hug.
What will I do when I have no one to spend my love on.

This house has become an empty place.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to spend my time improving it.
I need to be with my God.
I need to be the man I should be.

One day it will be too late for my soul, one day I will have to answer for this.

I'm in one of them moods. I don't want to do anything.

Don't wanna be on here.
Don't want to watch tv
Don't want to talk to the wife
Don't want to finish my program at work
Don't want to eat, drink, or have sex

There is an emptiness, and I'm not sure I even want to fill it. 
I'd love to lose my self in the dark listening to music, but she will only get in the way of that.

So I don't want to do anything and keep doing it all.

My car has a short in it and doesn’t always start. If I wait an hour or two, slam the hood after fiddling with the battery and make sure all the accessories are turned off, it will probably start. I don’t trust my car. Simple as that, I don’t like getting gas at a gas station because I might be there for more time than I have. Due to my past with my wife where I’ve lied to her she doesn’t trust me, so if I’m getting gas in the evening on the way home, there is a chance she and I will have a terrible argument about the possibility of me being unfaithful. That is enough about her, my purpose here isn’t to slam her, but to set the background of your understanding.

 

There is this woodland park about a mile from my work, it is just a block or so out of my way and I go to that private dirt parking lot to pray every morning. My act of faith is going there, turning off my car, sitting in silence for long enough to clear my mind and then praying to God. I will be late to work if my car doesn’t start. I’ve asked God to never strand me there and I put my faith in him by that simple turn of the key. He has never failed me, even if the car didn’t want to start to get me to work while at home, it always starts at this place. And I do my best to get there every day I go to work.

 

This morning I was praying that he open my eyes to the Sin I commit and the pain I cause, and to give me the strength to do the hard work to correct these things, and to learn to love without reservation so I actually express that love in situations where it is hard for me. I’ve asked him to make me his servant, and to use me to build his kingdom. To make me one of his, one of the current day men most effective at doing his will. I received the answer today when I turned on my car and with it, the Christian radio station.

 

A man was giving witness at his local church, he was not the preacher, and the pain in his voice was enough to actually make me feel. He said that he had been asking God for the privilege of building his Kingdom and that he was reading about King David in the Bible. David was a man of war and not allowed to build God’s temple because of this. The man said this was his answer from God, and the pain in his voice was what I feel nearly every day. What he said next struck me to the core, it has changed the way I approach my God in all requests. He said that because of his deep sexual sins, he wouldn’t be allowed to build God’s Kingdom. I am not allowed to build his Kingdom because of my deep sexual sins.

 

But as David did, this man was going to prepare the way for his children to do that very task. His children and David’s son Solomon, were young when they received this revelation. My children are older, past where I believe I will be effective in doing this. What am I do to now? I am not allowed to build the Kingdom, and my children are beautiful little pagans because I’ve not mentored them in His ways.

 

So now my prayers will be that He gives me the strength to learn to show love and since He is the all-powerful father with nothing being impossible, that he help me teach my children to build his Kingdom. I will give up my dream of being a homeless wandering preacher that affects good in everyone’s life as he travels. I will focus on my lost children, perhaps one of them can be what I am forbidden from being, if they are willing.

 

My car will always start when I park next to the woods, but I will not be the preacher my grandfather was. I will be the man I should be, but not the man I want to be. 

Been forever since I posted or so it seems. A lot of nothing has gone on in my life since then. 
Christmas went okay with my wife, but only because I was such a bastard to her the previous entire month due to her selfishness last Christmas. That didn't really make me happy. You'd think a calm normal Christmas would do it, but knowing what an asshole I had to be just makes it mean exactly nothing.

My boss restructured the department. Gave me all the good employees and then gave the other project manager my dregs. Yeah, I got rid of one of them. Been nearly my best friend since college, but his work hasn't improved since then and I'm tired of cleaning up his messes. But on the other hand I got 4 of the 6 programmers. So I actually get more stress. Keeping these guys busy and handling the entire legacy system by my self while I have them develop the new one is way more than one dick head like me can handle. 

So I alleviate my stress with humor you probably can't appreciate without being a part of our group.

Sk (help desk dude): The accessorial app is going to yahoo now.

I sit across from him so I can coordinate what he does with my group.

Me: That is my app, but E just inherited it (knowing he didn't have his head phones on)
B (my old employee): Heh E, now you know how it works!
E: WHAT! *laughing*

And he thought the other manager was an asshole! Heh

Me (softly to Sk): Just let me know what you need I'll take care of it. 
My Boss: *laughing really hard* but doesn't say anything.

He sits across from me. Yesterday I told him I was having a meeting and he wasn't invited cause I was tired of looking at his face across my monitors. Then I told him if he got me a third one that wouldn't be a problem. (half joking)

My Boss to the rest of the room: He has no editor, but I like that.

Heh, if he only knew.

My Boss: We're going to use your new servers for the BI project too.
Me: Ummm yeah *loudly* What are you smoking! Better make changes to all the machines in the cluster so you don't mess things up.
My Boss: I just realized you've been working on this project for 6 months...
Me: *silence* 

I realized that the thing about being responsible at work is that it only earns you more responsibility. I get paid for it, so I guess I shouldn't complain, but there are days I'd just like to be a code monkey again. 

This is a block from my home. It is an abandoned church and the stairs get regularly tagged. The windows on the first floor have been steadily broken one by one during the two years that I've been here. You'd think that God isn't here, but...

Every few days there is a man, I can't tell his age, that walks up the steps. He sings his praise to the Lord:
Hallelujah, God Bless
Hallelujah, God Bless
Hallelujah, God Bless
Something in his voice tells me he doesn't have a really high IQ, but that doesn't matter. He has more faith than I. This simple act of love for the Lord is more than I've ever done. I'm betting he is poor, though he does have a decent fall jacket on. You know what though, he is richer than I, and his simple act of Faith will see him rewarded more than anything I can imagine. IQ or not, who is the smarter one?