esohgee's Blog

Anyone ever heard of a "Roster on a Fence?"

It is when you come up behind someone and pull the hair at the base of their neck upward. Their head goes forward and they make a cawing noise. It must be a Colorado thing because no one here knows about it now.

Or they didn't. I did it to my son and we both laughed really hard. After I explained what it was. 

So my son informs me today that his friend was irritating him so he did it to his friend in the lunch room. Said everyone was laughing really hard. Yeah, I was laughing when he told me. 

You are welcome Iowa. I contributed something to this frigid boring place.

I was wrong so very long ago when I told you that "No" should always win when we disagree on something. Compassion should prevail, not logic. We should love each other enough to be able to tollerate something we don't really like so that the other person can enjoy something they like. Now there have been enough "No"s in our life that there is almost nothing left. I'm sorry for my lack of understanding. I thought this was wisdom. I was not so wise.

 

Today I tell you "Yes" and let you do what you enjoy without complaint, but not with love in my heart because all I know from you is "No". My hands put the first bar on this prison and many more after that. I gave you the key and willing walked in. Will you let me out or do I have to break out?

It is bright, cold and I’m alone, but I really don’t mind. The dark
suits me better I’ve always been a sinner in the shadows though I’m
attempting to learn to live in the light. I’m older than I was, well
obviously, but as we age, the cold seems to sink deeper into our
bones. I can handle the cold even though I don’t care for it. It keeps
my wife from telling me to take off my cloths to satisfy her
self-esteem and need for control, but it doesn’t keep her from trying
to cuddle with me. Alone? Yeah, I like that a lot because she isn’t
around. No, I don’t hate her, I just don’t like her. She is a
necessary evil since we have children.

Am I an ass? Probably. I wouldn’t be a great judge of that. Things
have just sort of developed into this, where I’d rather be cold at
work after hours watching a green screen run a data transformation
program than at home. This is one of the days where a person sits here
wishing his life was something different, well at least it is one of
the days I do that. I don’t really know about you. Things tend to
happen to me when I become complacent like this.

It snowed last night and my little beater granny inherited car has
done several one-eighties and a couple of nineties on the road today.
I was driving too fast because I don’t really care if I make it home
alive. That at least would be an excuse for never stepping foot in
that house ever again. But today I realized something.

While I was fish tailing it and the oncoming car was getting closer,
never close enough to disturb my stoicism, I had a thought. Often in
this kind of situation I worry about what my wife will do to our lives
when I bring bad news home.

“Honey I crashed the car.” I would say and that would only meet
silence. “Yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking.” “Yes dear, I know we
don’t have money to deal with this because you spend it all on
yourself,” I’ve often said. Well, she does. But this time this wasn’t
my thoughts dwelt on.

For the first time I can remember. I worried about the innocent people
heading for me. Like I said, they were pretty far away, but it was
their wellbeing that concerned me. They were more my concern that
myself, so, yeah, I put myself in the ditch on purpose.

A kind gentleman stopped by and helped push me out so I could get to
work. I want to be like him. He was a preacher. I could tell. My
grandfather was one. Always ready to help never thinking of him-self.
I can imagine him saying to me, “You are not on the right path son,
but I can’t chose it for you, so I will show you where to walk rather
than tell you because words are powerful, but not enough to save you.”
It is going to be hard work, learning to love her and leading the way.
I’m entirely inadequate for it, but since it is the task He has given
me, it is what I will do. She has caught me trying this before and
calls it Faking it. “I know you don’t feel that way,” she has said.

“No dear I don’t, but it isn’t called faking it, it is called trying.
And if you believe this to be fake then my task is a Sisyphus task,
but like him, I will smile because it how you approach the task that
is important, not the success of it.

Oh and yeah, I’m a spectacular failure at this task. All of my vices
have taken hold of me lately. Drinking, porn, lying to her. I’m awash
in the blood of my own soul because I’d rather die than take on the
task before me. That was what my reckless driving was all about today,
it was a form of suicide, but marriage taught me long ago to do things
that were revolting to me. This task is repugnant and frustrating and
may well end up in my total destruction and damnation to hell. Yet
that will only be true if I give up. I’ve given up recently and that
is why my vices are back with a vengeance.

Self-defeating spiral ‘eh? I am so doomed, yet I smile most of the
time. This is why I’ve wanted to bring my whole life crashing down
around me. I need to break the spiral even if it means losing
everything. Because while I exist like this I really have nothing that
I can value:  friendship, love, kindness. Notice I don’t say
happiness. I’ve learned to be happy most of the time, even when I’m
heading toward another car and may be hurt or die.

Don’t have pity for me, I don’t want it. Don’t judge me either,
knowing your condemnation won’t help me I am harder on myself than you
will ever be.  Just touch my shoulder with your slender, gentile hand
nod in understanding and let the tear fall for the potential that I
once had. I just want your company on my journey. 

I got caught on twitter by my meddeling son. You can guess it he told his mother and the really big fight ensued. He turned me in because he is a little bastard that has no respect for me, but with his mother being the example it isn't much of a surprise. I'm trying really hard not to be pissed at him and only partially succeeding. 

Needless to say I lost and had to join Facebook which I've been avoiding for a long time, because I don't need someone tagging me or telling me how much fun I was at the yearly bowling party. (Yeah I was. I kicked ass with my pretty pink ball and I wasn't even trying.)

This will suck. She doesn't need the insight into what I do when she isn't around and I'm sure that horrible place will tattle on me. Yeah I know if I weren't so dishonest about normal things with her this wouldn't be an issue. And that is totally wrong. My distrust of her reactions started long before the lies about who I am started. I got tired of defending my self and discovered that just being me and not telling her about it was easier.

You don't know me, you never did. When you should have taken the time to understand you only criticized. And now you have hated me for so long that you can never learn to know me or see the way I've changed. I feel angry at you and pity you all at the same time. So lost in your self and you pain that you can't forgive. Your unforgiving nature has harmed you as much as it has me. And oh our children! Tell them whatever you like. They will judge us based on their experiences and will probably not allow your hate to color their perceptions of me. I show them love and battle you for them. They know more than you will ever guess. Daily they tell me how much they love me so I fear not your venomous dripping words. 

Holding you I feel nothing but meat and a little trepidation. Every "I Love You" is now a lie so I refuse to utter the words. I show love to the ones that I can, and to you I simply serve to avoid the diatribe. 

Love is Dead between us. I know things can change, but I am not sure I ever want to feel love toward you again.

She said she wants a divorce again. It would be an emotional relief for me, but it is against what I believe to be right. However I've not been a good husband by any measure and haven't made an effort to be. Something has always held me back. I stopped loving her a long time ago I guess. People can feel it even if I make all the motions to the contrary as believable as possible. 

I believe her this time. And I don't really care what happens to me beyond the fact that it will affect my children if something drastic were to happen. It is cold I have 200 dollars to my name and no place to go. I could take money from the family to take care of my self, but that seems wrong. 

I give this over to God. I am mostly powerless at this point to change things. I will trust in Him other wise the fear will consume me.

If you live in Des Moines and want a roommate let me know. 

I have a winter hat.


And Yeah I do wear it in public all the time. It is warm and it makes people smile. I like to see people smile when they look at me. It makes me smile.

Attention is not why I wear it though. I wear it because I think people take life too seriously. Me in particular, but only because I'm forced to.

"You actually wear that?"
"Why yes, I do," said with a huge grin.

I'm ashamed of all the Bile I put in this blog. I feel like it is time to wipe it clean and start over, but I don't  know what I would put in a blog if I had to say positive things about my life. 

It was the day before Christmas with only a louse stiring on my daughters head. My wife in her bed not sleeping but crying instead. And I with my apathy knowing tomorrow will be just crappy.

Yay for good stories, a ton of fun and sarcasm for everyone!

Christmas Eve: All things seem to be going well. We actually bought decent presents this year and had them wrapped. It was time to put them under the tree and take a picture. 

She couldn't get them to "coordinate" right for her picture, nor could she get the whole setup in her picture because the new living room has less space. So she started kicking them and ran into the other room to cry. I had to bring her back in to finish and then she threatened to go back to bed without finishing. Finally after me ignoring her and continuing to work did she finish up and ago to bed. 

Christmas Day: It was all going well, she was getting video with her new camera. Little did she know that it wasn't actually recording. So we lost a bunch of time on things that can't be repeated. So...guess what she just went back to bed. At 11 in the morning I got her back out of bed and she appeared to cheer up until she noticed it was 2 and she hadn't started Christmas dinner. 

"I hate this fucken family."
"You have choices, dear, you don't have to stay."

So, again I left her alone and she started dinner late. I then helped her work on it for four hours and when it was done I did all the dishes by hand because we don't have a dish washer. 

Today: We got our daughter's ears pierced, and they love it. I'm totally surprised she didn't throw a fit. She apologized to me, but this is what happens every year. Don't pity me. I chose to be here. My children could use your prayers though, because they did not. They know enough now to just play quietly while I deal with her. I know enough to understand we will never have a good Christmas unless relatives are present to moderate her.

I have this really good idea for an iPad app or an Android app. Screw Windows Phone.
BUT..........
Apple you friggen suck. I don't own a Mac Laptop, so i can't develop for your devices.
Google you friggen suck. Your user base hates to pay even 0.99 for an app.
Microsoft you friggen suck. Because you have no users and no real App store.  

So I can pay out the nose to develop something and possibly not make my money back, or I can develop for free and then give my app away for free. Or I can develop easily and have no one to sell my app too. 

Hear that...that sound is the toilet flushing as I dump my Good Idea down it. 

So I discovered a bug in our software that has caused us to overpay some employees. It has been there since 2001 and no one noticed. I'm sure we are talking millions. 1800 employees, a hundred or so dollars each for 11 years. That is as far as I'm taking it, I really don't want to know. But the studies show we are industry equivalent, so really it didn't hurt us.

F*ck, I've been here too long. They are gonna blame me even though I didn't write this system. Now I'm going to sleep really good aren't I.

I really hate being this deep into things. I could have been one of the geeks that can't talk to users, at least they don't have to hand out bad news, but nooooo I happen to actually have a somewhat normal personality. Well at work at least.

I need a perky Ediez style secretary to send everyone a memo instead of having to schedule a meeting and seeing the EVP of human resources vein pop out of his forehead. As funny as it is, it doesn't usually mean good things for me. I used to work directly for him, damn that was a long time ago. 

I’m looking for something. I’ve been looking for something for a long time. I’m not sure what I’m looking for.

I can find whispers of it when I read a book or watch a movie, but like Chinese food it doesn’t satisfy for long. Perhaps I should write the story. Ah, but my literary skills are sorely lacking and I’ve let my imagination stagnate.

It is a feeling. Like when I’m in the Zone. It doesn’t happen often. It is a killing streak that spans games when I’m in it. The rest of the world simply does not exist.

It might be a drunken stupor. Where I am simply unavailable to the world and my conscious mind is allowed free roam without fear of the judgment of others.

It could be Love. Holding her hand and walking with no destination and being there simply for the wordless, understanding company.

Whatever it is, it is not here in my real life. My kill streaks are no longer streaks. Drinking is a danger that I can’t abide. Love is only a memory of a time long past and I only feel skin when I hold her hand.

From talking with other people I get the impression that they have dreams that make little sense, often disjointed images and in-congruent themes with little or no logic.

My dreams are not like this. There are always in a fantastic environment, but the events have a logical flow. The images are more like a movie or a totally immersive virtual reality. Often I wake up longing to go back even if it has nightmare qualities. I rarely feel fear in them even the nightmares and am always in control. 

They will take on themes from movies or books or real life. One dream was Terminator meets The Chimera where Skynet had to actually help the humans and nurture them back into a population to save itself because of the statistical defying nature we often exhibit. 

Another dream was of an ancient Egyptian Princes Warrior ghost in a tomb that preyed on men because of her past. I refused to fight her and invited her to visit my home any time then walked out. 

Other times I fall in love and it takes days or weeks for me to forget the feeling. Often these dreams take away my satisfaction with reality to the extent that I become depressed. 

I've had dreams about escaping hell with people I've met on EP. 

In the dangerous ones I often try to sacrifice my survival to save others. Yet I never manage to follow through. these are the dreams where I wake up before the end. Never do I die in my own dreams. 

Lately I can't sleep. Something is bothering me and I don't really know what, but it keeps me from sleeping. I feel like I've lost something special. Weeks of this and I'm worn out. Weeks of this and I'm left grasping for inspiration and concentration.

Mostly I just feel like I'm incarcerated in this reality. 

Reality is the one place for me that doesn't make sense. Disjointed images, in-congruous themes and a total loss of control. Mundane and unsatisfying with only the love of my kindhearted daughters being reason enough to continue plodding on.

O' for a dream.  

I'm blankly staring at this blog screen. Not really anything to say. Perhaps I shouldn't Blog it then.

Oh well

Sometimes desert should be an act of love rather than a reward for having eaten your dinner.

My wife has been very loving lately. Stroking my head and my cheek and cuddling with me and kissing my neck.

The problem is after all these years that I an repelled by this. It will only end badly when I don't respond perfectly to her desires. 

I want to be close to a woman, but it has become a fearful repellent thing. There is something so very wrong about that. I feel fear and like I'm being smothered. 

Ah, I just figured it out...there is no trust.

Well I can't fix that real quickly, now can I.

What a way to end a blog...

I will never know you, my love.
The softness of your skin.
The satin in your voice.
The compassion in your eyes.
The night in your hair.

I'm sorry I did not follow my fate.
To find you
To hold you
To dedicate my life to you
To learn all your secrets
To share all mine

This is purgatory
And I am a burning soul
And I am ready to go to the light
And I am so alone
And I am filled with remorse
And I know that I could have been more

I just read a post by a friend of mine. Last I heard from her, her marriage was in terrible shape and now it is better than it has ever been. It gives me hope, but at the same time it makes me upset.

This will not happen with my wife and I. I will never be happy with her because disrespect is a part of her personality, she can't change it and doesn't see the need to. As a result I am emotionally unfaithful to her and distant. I'd be physically unfaithful, but she keeps close tabs on me and has always been suspicious even before I gave her reason to be.

So right now I just want to destroy everything, bring it all down. Except I won't because of my lovely daughters that love me unconditionally. 

I'm jealous of people with good marriages, but I look on what they do to make that happen and I despair that I'm capable of it. I need an obscene amount of alone time, always have even though I get absolutely none now. Relationships don't work with someone like me in that regard. They take effort and I'm sick of trying to do what makes someone else happy.

Besides that I've tried to cheat on my wife and I've come to the realization through failure that I'm just not something women want as a lover. I'm a great best friend and they love to talk with me, but I'm not a good partner.

I’ve never accepted the fact that I’ve lived up to my full potential.
Not in any task. I’ve always felt that I could have done better. No,
not felt, but known. As I’m working on a task I often make decisions
to take a shortcut, sometimes to meet an external demand or deadline,
sometimes because I reach the limit of my patients and other times
because my depression took over and I just wanted it done.

Honestly I can’t remember ever having felt satisfied that the job I’ve
done is good and was done with the full manifestation of my abilities.

Recently though I’ve begun to understand that I’m average and it is
only this feeling that has driven me to rise above that. However it
makes me unhappy to look at my life as a series of tasks that I didn’t
give my full efforts to. Is this true? Perhaps I did give full efforts
and didn’t want to recognize my own limits.

So, I question myself.  If I learn to be happy with my efforts
will I become lazy, will my work be less than it should be? If I
accept my own limits how can I overcome them? Does any of this matter
if I’m happy?

If indeed, I am only average and it is this that drives me? What are
my true skills, what did God give me to achieve his ends? Are these
technical skills the sum of what I’m supposed to be or did I miss my
true calling and thus don’t know what gifts I’ve been given?

For so long now I’ve been asking God to make me strong so that his
will is easy for me to understand and achieve. But then I realized
that without the strife in my life I wouldn’t have opened up the Door
to his knocking. The world is adversity and I am to strive against
that to do his will. If all tasks set before me were easy then
achieving them has little meaning.

At the end of this I am more confused than when I started. This past
week has been one of enlightenment for me and yet I have more
questions than ever before. I want certainty of thought and purpose.
Seems that might be out of my reach.