Why O Why | esohgee's Blog

You don't want to be around me, not today. Because I'm in assholio mode. I'm frustrated beyond what my soul can handle. Night after night she has been doing everything to me that I despise. Even my fifteen year old son isn't this obnoxious or annoying. And it is on purpose because I stood up to her and told her I wasn't going to come back for the evening and I didn't. I went to church the next morning before I came home.

But these few days since then have been a personal nightmare as she takes her petty revenge out on me. So this morning when my son told me "Don't hate on me BRO!" I lost it inside. His disrespect for me is a mirror of hers. I can't change them and I'm not trying, they are caustic and will learn the hard way if they learn at all.

I dropped my kids off at school and then drove my car as fast as I could, but my ancient Camry has no guts, none at all. So it wasn't satisfying, just more of a reminder that I could have a better car than this one with nearly 180,000 miles on it, if only she didn't waste all our money on herself. 

By the lake is where I ended up, miles from home and work. Pleading with God between breaths of anger and despair to give me the strength to be the man I'm supposed to be. 

Please Lord, PLEASE! Take this anger from me, give me the strength to forgive them for what they have and will do to me. I don't want to feel like this any more. ARGHHHHHHH! screaming and burring my face in my hands after beating the heck out of the seat next to me. But that never helps me, it only makes me more frustrated because I'm so impotent.. Nearly a tear escaped and I took hold of my self, stilled the shaking anger and slowly drove to work where I'd have to bury this even deeper. 

I hate my self when I feel like this. I don't control my self like I should and act like an ass. Not a day goes by where I feel like this and don't end up with regrets.