What's It Like? | esohgee's Blog

I've realized that I can't remember what it is like to be "in love" with a woman. I'm not saying I don't know how to feel love at all. I love my children, but that isn't what I'm talking about. 

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was in love, but it was more of an obsession. A pain and some anger. She said that she could love me and she was my first girlfriend, but she pushed me away and farther away until I wasn't a part of her life, yet I saw her nearly every day. Then I wrote her letters and tried to meet her places and be a part of her life again, but she was moving on and didn't need me any longer. What I felt wasn't love.

I loved my wife. I know it, but trying to remember the feeling is like trying to hold onto smoke or grab the wind as it passes by. There is just nothing there, 

There are men around me that would sacrifice anything for their wife. You can tell. Their wife is their best friend and the only woman they want to touch. I would like to feel like that. Is it my fault that I do not? Is it hers? Did I ever feel that way toward her? If there was a time it was so distant in the past that I just can't hold on to the memory, can't feel the emotion in it.

It is sad, but I just can't imagine feeling badly if I were to lose my wife. It would be a release and I'm starting to think that says as much about my ability to feel that kind of love as it does her controlling abuse. 

I must try to forgive her. It is demanded of me by my God, but it will have to be his strength that allows it because I do not have the strength within me.